zero 30

Day 30 - bit afraid this impetus

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

Feeling a tad better today. Maybe it was the little things that helped, despite the usual bit of difficulty falling asleep, getting up.

I’m starting to get pretty convinced I should get off Wellbutrin. Really, the main thing keeping me on the stuff is fear I’ll fall into another major depressive episode — but I’m not sure I will. And there’s no guarantee I won’t get depressed if I stay on the meds. Pills poop out, so a relapse could happen whether or not I stay on the drug.

And there’s no real way to find out until I get off the stuff. I’m a bit afraid this impetus comes at a stressful time — a couple trips coming up, some money issues, some friendship issues. But is it possible that some of these issues will simply resolve themselves if I go off the meds?

I could very well become less angry and irritable. I might get more done because my memory gets better and my mind clears. Maybe the better memory will even improve my social interactions — so I remember people’s names and what they say better.

Might I even drop a little weight? Will I sleep better and feel less tired? Have fewer times when I feel agitated, restless, and unbalanced? Fewer tummy issues?

Really, some good things could happen — not just the bad. The main thing’s that I’ll need to work hard to attain a more stable sense of well-being. The issue’s that I really can’t pinpoint a specific reason I feel down when I do, behond not yet having achieved long-term goals: money issues, weight, relationships — and finding something meaningful to do. A lot of this has really become a chicken or the egg issue. I’m afraid to add anything on because I feel overwhelmed, but perhaps I feel overwhelmed because I lack meaning, direction.

Went to a networking event earlier, which went well. Met some nice people, gave out some cards. Seriously, no one notices I’m not drinking! And for another, most people really don’t drink that much. It’s like they don’t actually want to lose — or even alter — their consciousness…. Certainly not markedly. An observation to keep in mind —

One day, I’d like to feel like I’m not dealing with “issues” all the time. That I’m more easily living in balance.

Day 29 - towards something

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

I feel I try pretty hard to feel good — yet I don’t feel very happy. Today’s mood’s been a slow blue discontent. I’ve gotten done the things I need to get done — except I haven’t caught up on the stuff I put off earlier. Why am I upset? Do I just need more human contact? How do I get this feeling no one’s worth hanging out with?

I think maybe I blame myself too much for imperfect interactions in the past. For example, because I felt I was irritable when hanging out with Rin, I fear I’m an irritable person (and consequently, shouldn’t hang out with Rin so I don’t expose her to my irritability again). I feel too judgemental and I feel too judged.

Maybe I just need to cut myself some slack. No one’s perfect in social situations, and everyone puts their foot in their mouth at some point.

And maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for pulling away from friends who talk about nothing but babies and boyfriends and weddings. They’re at least as self-absorbed as I am — and maybe I have a perfectly good reason to not want to hang out with them.

Yet the anger’s disturbing. There’s a part of me that thinks at least aspects of the anger are legitimate. Another part wonders if they’re symptomatic of bigger issues — i.e. repressed feelings from childhood. Another part’s fearful this anger “isn’t me” — and somewhat afraid it could spiral out of control.

In part I’d just like to feel I’m moving from one step to the next — towards something. For example, moving from just concentrating on staying sober to focusing on improving relationships, etc. This is day 29, after all. How long will I need to read books / watch films that motivate my sobriety? How long will I feel like I’m simply trying to manage feelings?

Maybe part of the problem is simply that I’m not doing things consistently enough. I’m not doing all the little things that I instituted as small ways to gradually improve my mood — i.e. taking a walk at lunch, or exercising 4 times a week, or examining and working through the negative thoughts I write down every day. I think I need to pursue a happiness plan — consistently for 2 weeks — then re-examine my mood —

Day 28 - lonely while avoiding friends

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

The weekend’s going by in a bit of a stupor — reading, watching Celebrity Rehab. I’m concerned this isn’t normal — holing up and avoiding both friends and responsibilities. Of course it’s normal to take time for myself though — so where do I draw the line?

The main issue’s that I seem to really want to check out — i.e. not only not doing anything on my agenda but in fact even refusing to look at it — and just preoccupy myself. There’s a real desire not to have to deal with the stresses of reality.

It’s weird, because the stresses really aren’t so bad — are they? Maybe it’s more that I used to heap so many stresses on myself — so much I couldn’t handle them — that I now find it hard to deal with any stresses. Learned helplessness.

Then again no one likes to begin their day like they’re clawing their way out of a hole, trying desperately to catch up. Yet getting further behind by avoidance only perpetuates the cycle —

And there are so many issues. Feeling lonely while avoiding friends. Avoiding social situations because many feel unsafe. I’m confused — I feel unable to craft some sort of way to improve my thinking on these issues.

I guess the main thing right now’s to just focus on keeping alcohol out of the equation while I gather the tools for healthy living and sort some of this stuff out: Medication issues, social issues, coping issues, work issues, weight / food issues.

I suppose all are issues everyone works on throughout their lives — I have a hard time deciding what, if anything, needs to be done. Do I live out this week like last week? How can I catch up today? How much should I identify as an ex-alcoholic? Are there new goals to set I can really get excited about?

Day 27 - down the stressors

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

Went to an art opening that was a total bust, a boring waste of time that brought up these feelings about how my social life sucks. It’s not that I miss the events with alcohol, but quite the opposite: I feel all the past events I enjoyed were based around alcohol — that in fact alcohol was like the occasion — which seems pathetic.

Then there’s the thought that maybe I can only stand my friends when I’m drunk — that perhaps my friends aren’t worth hanging out with. That in fact, I never had a real social life worth mentioning even if I went out a lot.

There are moments in the day when I think about drinking — I guess I’m afraid of becoming this uptight person who can’t have fun. But hopefully I won’t end up being so uptight…. Maybe part of the answer is participating in groups. Community groups — or even working out in a group class instead of alone. Going to yoga class instead of hitting the treadmill.

It seems like the main problem right now is that I often feel tired — like I don’t want to do anything except passive stuff. Part of this may just be force of habit, since I let myself procrastinate so much, doing only the bare minimum while I was drinking. I’m trying to get into these healthier patterns and they just don’t seem to be paying off — at leat not yet.

Researched Wellbutrin and memory loss. Enough people who say they’re doing better (depression’s lifted) on Wellbutrin report memory loss — especially short term — as a side effect that I’m getting pretty convinced my memory issues have to do with Wellbutrin, not alcohol-related stuff. I really think this is bothering me enough that I should do something about it — Go in to see the shrink, change meds around a bit —

Creative Recovery talks about identifying the stumbling blocks — anxiety, stress, unhappiness-producing stuff — that tends to come up with a creative project — and having a way of dealing with them. I wrote down the stressors: Lots of different fears, frustrations, technical difficulties. I’m thinking I just need to start with something that allows for an outlet but isn’t something I’m thinking of selling or marketing or am heavily invested in as something that’ll define me as a writer. Make it an easy, doable project with a daily component. Like this Tumblog.

Day 26 - what can be whittled out

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

I woke up angry. Angry I had to get up, angry about the cold cloudy weather — again. Angry I had to move my car for street cleaning and that I had to get dressed to do so. Angry I spilled cereal and angry my kitchen shelves are so crowded. Angry my period’s late as usual.

And I still keep imagining these angry situations where I verbally fight with people, where people antagonize me and I antagonize them worse. Why is that? Do I feel people are against me — that no one’s to be trusted — that most people are out to get me and I have to protect myself, hurt them before the hurt me? Intellectually, I don’t think these things, but instinctively, am I always ready to defend, attack?

Getting close to 30 days. It’s odd — Instead of feeling like I can now do more, I feel I need to cut back. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing — Maybe I’m simply discovering the unrealistic expectations that drove me to drink in the first place — but I remain worried.

Right now, tasks get pushed to the weekend because I get tired and overwhelmed. That leads to anxiety during the week about falling behind, then fatigue on the weekends because I don’t get a needed break.

So I’ll spend some time today seeing what can be whittled out of the schedule. It’s weird, because when I look at it, the schedule seems relatively short and easy. Yet each day feels slightly unmanageable…. I get anxious to the point I can’t continue, then spend most of the evening watching In Treatment — and feel guilty about wasting the day.

When I think about writing again, I get this fearful, negative feeling, like I’ve just been reprimanded. Obviously there have been some rejections in the past. Some deliberately mean people too — and maybe I’m too self-critical. But I also always had some supporters who liked my work — random people here and there. Maybe it’ll feel good to create — Maybe I just want to try and relearn the joy of creating —

I’m basically afraid to begin the creative endeavor. I guess I have these “how dare I” feelings a lot. Imposter syndrome, maybe. What makes anyone a writer, or any sort of expert?

Day 25 - adding up to anything

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

Went hungry to the grocery store — and ate a Lara bar while shopping, a Zen Bakery cinnamon roll-esque thing coming home, then 2 bowls of ceral and a mango once I got back. Not so bad as far as binges go, especially since I hadn’t had much to eat most of the day — but the sort of urge I was feeling, as if I had to gobble everything down in this brief period while the more controlling self was on break — that was scary.

So — I guess the solution’s not to let myself get so hungry, and to keep more healthy snacks around. Not too long ago I would’ve invented some sort of involved, punitive diet plan for myself, but I’m trying to be more moderate, to freak out less. I’ll try this method of non-deprivation for a week, see how it goes.

Because the issue isn’t actually the food. Another part of the binge: It let me sort of checked out of the things I’d planned to do. I watched House and Lost while eating, zoned out. Part of me feels guilty for pushing work back; another part wonders if I’m pushing myself too hard.

I’m still at the point where I don’t get how people do all these things — solid 40 hour weeks and the like. I feel so busy, just spinning my wheels trying to catch up on the day to day stuff, instead of being able to work on real, more broad overarching stuff that could, in the end, mitigate this daily scrambling —

The anxiety leads to checking out by binging — and I don’t want to put so much pressure on myself I fall into another depression. I still need to work on making myself feel good. Scheduling things tighter is just not an option.

Still, I need to make more money. Rewards are slow to come, and my social life feels a bit like it’s in shambles.There’s the feeling the things I’m doing aren’t actually adding up to anything, which bothers me. That there’s no real grand goal I have to look forward to.

I have a lot of unanswered questions. Am I really a writer? Do I want to pursue that? and if so, how? I have fear of trying, a fear I won’t enjoy it, fear I won’t have time for it. It’s unclear what exactly I can push off the schedule and what I can make room for.

It’s been a difficult day. Cranky mood — and a little weepy all day.

Day 24 - a corresponding sense of failure

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

Started reading Creative Recovery. Some of it seems like simple pandering — telling people who’d like to think they’re creative souls what they want to hear: “You’re a troubled, deep artist individual struggling against the homogenious, deadnening world.”

But the part about how creative people often see the rest of the world as idiotically complacent and devoid of aspirations — then start to identify strongly against the dominant culture — reads like my reactions.

Though I still retain mixed feelings — and want to win at the straight world’s game too. And I’m plagued by the thought that it’s all just sour grapes — or maybe worse — that others will perceive it as sour grapes. That they’ll think it’s not so much that I’ve rejected the goals of the straight world as failed to achieve them.

A lot of this revolves around being single. Beyond proving the rest of the world wrong, I’d like some companionship in being against mainstream culture. Maybe that’s all I’m looking for — some counterculture group. Creative people who don’t want the marriage-kids-house-in-suburbs thing.

I see only complacency in my married friends. Maybe my anger towards them is not so much a sign of psychological unhealth on my part but a healthy realization that they represent the aspects of mainstream culture I despise.

Maybe I wouldn’t put such a heavy premium on a serious relationship if I could meet others for whom “settling down” is something to be abhored. The gallery series could be an opportunity to find like-minded people. One guy actually said our transportation problem is an overpopulation problem — that people need to stop having kids. There I see a glimpse of some forward-thinking network.

The problem may be an identity crisis — and a corresponding sense of failure. I rail against conventional society whose goals — spouse, house, corporate job — I mock. But I also haven’t yet had any successes in teh non-straight sense. No grand artistic achievements, no fantastically artsy lifestyle, no freethinking lover or creative group.

That in turn makes me feel like a fraud — and makes me think people just see me as someone who failed at conventional goals — and now rails against them.

I suppose one path is just to work on those unconventional goals — write that novel or whatever, seek out new interesting friends. It feels like it’ll be a long time before I’ve achieved those things — but perhaps making the effort a daily practice in itself will make me feel better.

Day 23 - passively experience but not mark

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

Does sobriety make me feel better? If so, how exactly’s uncertain — perhaps a new sense of progress, albeit a shaky one. The days have gotten more manageable, and I’m slowly finding tools to deal with challenges I used to avoid by drinking. Some things that seemed near impossible — like setting and staying on a schedule — seem to be getting somewhat easier.

But my mood still doesn’t seem significantly better — and I’m wondering if I need a lot more positive thoughts to balance out negative thoughts. I’m still writing them down…. Do I passively experience but not mark down a lot of negative thoughts I have? Or am I simply in a state of transition, where turbulent and precarious feelings dominte over exciting and happy ones?

Staying sober at events has been unexpectedly easy — the logistics, I mean. There was the fear everyone would notice and ask about it, but that hasn’t happened. In fact, the only uncomfortable time was lunch with the married girls. They drink a lot, talk about drinking a lot, notice and ask about my drinking habits. But why are my closer, long-term friends the ones creating the most friction in my life? It’s as if those relationships have gotten as troubled as the one with my mother.

I could come up with a lot of theories — withdrawal due to fear of abandonment, for ex. The friendships feel ubalanced in the sense I feel I have more to lose than they do, since they have husbands — and families they like.

Whatever the reason, they’re a source of stress, feelings of inadequacy and loneliness — and I’m not sure how to fix it.

Day 22 - spend a lot of time staring

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:43:42 -0700

My schedule’s fallen apart since Ana’s clothing swap earlier tonight — where I ate way too much — but let me dwell on the positives a bit: I made some good friends / acquaintances. I got free dinner — and leftovers for lunch tomorrow! I found some free clothes that fit! I got rid of some things plaguing my closet. And I hope my social life’ll open up a little bit — that maybe I’ll start meeting more interesting people, even interesting guys — that maybe better things will happen —

Before Ana’s thing I went through the day with a general feeling of brooding discontent — a sort of pissy feeling for which I can’t pinpoint a cause beyond small annoyances — a little tummy ache, a drawer not closing right, a noisy leaf blower. Maybe the small things add up, or maybe the irritation’s a symptom of alcohol withdrawal, or maybe the discontent’s a symptom of other, bigger things that are troubling me?

There’s a great aggravation, for example, having to deal with work stuff day after day. The daily repetition of it all grates on me, even though I can’t imagine doing anything else I’d like better. Maybe the low, irritated mood comes from feeling a bit behind all the time. As of yet it’s unclear whether this’ll get less onerous as time goes on, or if I really need to make some big changes.

I’ve been thinking a bit about how I’d feel if money were less of an issue. Perhaps life would get lighter, freer. I’d just like to get to the point where money doesn’t seem like a source of trouble, where I feel a sense of peace with my work.

I’ll put off these worries until after day 30. Just about a week more! Then I’ll be hitting sobriety days I haven’t had since like high school — maybe early college, since there was that 1 summer internship where I didn’t drink. Even that was a decade ago. I should plan a gift for myself, though finances are low. A facial —

I’m watching a lot less TV — almost none. The days seem busy — so much to get done, figure out emotionally. The schedule helps mitigate the anxiety a bit, but it’s still a battle.

I also spend a lot of time staring off into space. Do I enjoy this?

Day 21 - the event-going task

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 23:38:00 -0700

Got through the event — and I just realized that all in all, including getting ready and fighting traffic, that was a 5-hour endeavor! Social engagements take a lot of effort — and I have 2 tomorrow, which stresses me out —

But back to the event. There was a temptation to drink — especially when I got a whiff of red wine. But I’m starting to notice other problem drinkers stick out at events — and that dissuades me from drinking.

For example: Whether or not a regular problem drinker, one girl had just a drink too much. She didn’t do anything ridiculous — just her body language seemed loose, unstructured — and her chatter a tad overly friendly. Then there was the older guy who last month I noticed seemed a bit drunk. He seemed a bit drunk today too.

Of course I could be projecting a bit. I wonder if everyone else sees these things, if they’re all also consciously tolerating the garrulous girl’s rambly chatter. and I wonder if that’s how I appeared most of the time — immoderate, easy, glassy-eyed.

Today I was all there. Socialized with a few people, drank club soda, aserted myself fairly well when it was my turn to talk. So I don’t need alcohol to socialize or speak in public — or be pleasant —

Was the event enjoyable? It’s odd — the pleasure I got from the event comes more from my feeling I’ve “accomplished” the event-going task — than from the fun of the event itself. It seems I tend to see events as a sort of social performance, as opposed to an opportunity to have fun, make friends, relax. Is this normal? Maybe this tendency makes me stress out, too self-concious to enjoy myself. But to a degree, this reaction’s probably normal when you’re put at an event with smart people you want to get to know — all of whom are perfect strangers — AND you have to speak, if briely, in front of all of them.

Unrelatedly: I’m concerned that I don’t seem to have the mental stamina to finish the stuff I set out to do in a day. If I add more work on — which I need to do to make a living — I’d have to work weekend. I feel like something’s gotta give.

Do I need to limit social events? Traffic was horrendous…. Maybe the issue’s not the number of events but the location — and I need to lmit the events that require fighting traffic for hours….

Day 20 - rather regimented right

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 23:53:41 -0700

Tomorrow’s that gallery event — and I’m prepping now. The choices:

Option 1: Go late, leave early, avoid food and drinks. Take my own water in a Sigg, don’t go near the drinks, and don’t go to Cole’s afterwards for the usual post-event drink-snack. This could potentially save a lot of stress — but would limit my social opportunities since there’d be no mingling before or after.

Option 2: Socialize before — when it seems more normal to abstain from the snack / drink table — but don’t go to Cole’s where food and drink (at least 1 or the other) must be ordered.

Option 3: Go to both the event and Cole’s. I’ll get to socialize, but I’d be putting a lot of stress on myself, having to contend with food / drink issues for at least 3 hours.

May be best to stick with the safest route right now. The social stuff isn’t a primary goal at this time — while not drinking and eating well are. I think even just the limited time of the event itself will be challenging enough, since some others will be drinking and eating.

If I see healthy snacks, I’ll indulge. If not, I can get fruit at Trader Joe’s on the way back home. And I’ll keep in mind that the event’s an opportunity to socialize, not eat and drink.

Life does seem rather regimented right now — but it’ll get better. I think my mood’s stabilizing a bit. Short term memory: Still fuzzy. Is my mind still foggy? Maybe a tad clearer but definitely no significant difference.

Last night I tried meditating, but I’m not sure it helped — no sense of heightened relaxation afterwards. Is it worth continuing, giving a long-term chance?

Day 19 - a setting perfectly set up

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 23:52:02 -0700

Did my finances today — Why must medical costs always balloon out of control? If I were able to reduce medical and travel spending, I’d be all good — yet I have to see the shrink — and I have to go to Kris’ wedding. The ticket’s been bought but I’m still very angry — The big sum of money wasted to go to the middle of nowhere in the Midwest to celebrate something I have difficulty coping with in a setting perfectly set up to bring up alcohol / food issues!

Plus the upset to my life and physical rhythm — the jet lag, especially after a redeye flight. I resent what I see as her sense of entitlement, and the lack of control I feel about this situation —

A general fear: That I’m unnecessarily abrasive, that I lash out at people at random. Part of me wonders if I’m just judging myself too harshly — another part fears I really do vent anger inappropriately — that my reactions are misdirected. All this seems related to my imagining angry scenarios with friends — my not being able to understand why I dream up confrontational situations where I’m telling them off, putting them down —

Another fear: I spend too much time in self-analysis. I don’t want to live the life much examined but not worth examining —

Another fear: I don’t feel I have single friends worth hanging out with. Are they all really pathetic — each in her unique way — or is it just my attitude?

A description of the “classic” alcoholic in Many Roads, One Journey clearly reflected me — How the alcohol acts as an upper that makes these alcoholics high functioning — at first, that is, before the inevitable addictive downward spiral. I’d often said to my friends in the past that alcohol’s a stimulant for me — I’d drink and get a lot of work done. Of course later the alcohol “stopped working,” both when drinking and when hungover the day after.

In thsese moments, I think maybe I really shouldn’t ever drink again. What was it giving me? What rewards can I get from it anymore? I like the idea of a glass of wine in the evening to relax — but will it really ever relax me without making me anxious with cravings for more?

Day 18 - binge-esque cravings

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 23:50:55 -0700

Ate well today, which makes me hopeful my body’s adjusting to a new sort of era, doing its own weight adjustment. I’d like to say the binge-esque cravings have ended, but I did spend quite a bit of time staring at different snacks at Walgreens. The desire to overeat — whether or not it’s strong enough that I follow it — is there, just like the desire to drink is.

In general, I wonder what would happen to my social life if I could turn my attention away from drinking and eating — obsessing about it — and just focused on people. Maybe I can train myself slowly, adjust.

Made a to-do list for the day in the morning and stuck to it — hacked away at a lot of little things that were hanging over my head — and feel I was pretty productive with still some time left over to do things I enjoy. I’m more positive and upbeat — and think I should make planning a habit. Wrote down everything I did too, under a list labeled “accomplishments” — which I think helped, but makes me wonder how long I’ll need to keep a written record like this.

Stumbling on Happiness says our projection of how much pleasure we’ll derive from a future event’s overly influenced by how we’re feeling now:

Indeed, one of the hallmarks of depression is that when depressed people think about future events, they cannot imagine liking them very much…. When she imagines the future, she finds it difficult to feel happy today and thus difficult to believe that she will be happy tomorrow.

While this isn’t happy news, it’s helpful info that forces me to recognize that my happiness projections for social events may not be valid.

Somewhat relatedly, a long-term happiness study of Harvard men show 6 factors that heavily influence your happiness / healthiness: Education, stable marriage, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, exercise, and healthy weight. I have 1 and 3 under my belt, and am working on 4 and 6, trying to set the path for a lifetime of healthy living.

But the stable marriage thing — I feel like I’m getting an F in that. Why’s that such a difficult task for me? I guess it’s what’s least under my control — relationships —

In a way I could look at relationships systematically: Simply getting out there and meeting people until something clicks. Yet so much is out of my hands —

Day 17 - a more sociological attitude

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 23:43:05 -0700

Came up with a strategy for dealing with drinking triggers:

If at home, drink 2 glasses of water, then read sobriety-related book.
If out with people, remind myself to use the time to socialize. Or try taking a more sociological attitude — Study the drinkers, their behaviors and attitudes, their similarities and differences to me. If I feel tempted or uncomfortable, go home.

The downside to this: Most of my life now’s avoidance — events, shopping, eating out, meeting people — because they all feel like drinking triggers. I’m trying to slowly change my mindset about drinking alone, since it really was a way of isolating myself from society — but when I encourage my sobriety by reminding myself of how I don’t want to go back to that isolated, lonely drinking, I think — I’m isolated and lonely sober too!

So maybe I need some other reasons, as well as some ways of managing and alleviating these feelings of loneliness — as simply hanging out with people doesn’t seem to do the trick. Today I had lunch with a couple married friends — the ones bringing up all that anger — and parts were enjoyable and nothing was terribly bad, but parts were uncomfortable too — and I felt more apart than a part of something. I still feel no friend will really be there for me the way a boyfriend / lover would be — and am worried all my relationships seem to hinge on this sense of “deficiency” on my part.

Starting each day feels onerous.There are little pleasures, but I have too many anxieties — and each task feels like it could take all day. Much of me feels things shouldn’t be so hard — and I wonder why it is. What exactly is hard? Getting regular work stuff done every day is, apparently, kind of hard. Managing finances is kind of hard. Sustaining sobriety is kind of hard. Eating well and exercising is kind of hard. Getting done all the chores that come up in life are kind of hard. Mostly, the feeling of being overwhelmed is kind of hard.

I get tired fairly early in the night, which keeps me from getting things done — which wouldn’t be a problem if I just got what I need to get done during the day in the day — but I don’t, so every night’s a problem.

My head — still fuzzy. Will it clear up this week as I exercise, eat better? I need to keep more fruit around — and maybe apply sobriety techniques to the temptation to overeat — sometimes distracting myself, other times sitting through the feelings, just experiencing them until they pass instead of fighting them, trying so hard to outrun them —

Day 16 - doing that doesn't

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

The last 2 nights I had drinking dreams, woke up feeling guilty. But I haven’t blown it. Today I have fantasies about going out for dinner with wine, but then I think — Where’s the satisfaction in that? I’d just be guzzling down the first glass and twitching to order the second.

In some ways, the financial crunch is a good thing, a second-level deterrent to drinking. Worried about the dental bill — got my teeth fixed earlier today.

The Recovery Book suggested rearranging the house for the new sober me — so I’ve started a deep clean of the house reflecting the deep clean of my body post alcohol. But so much work needs to be done on the apartment it’s ridiculous.

Started measuring out exactly an 1/8 cup of coffee beans every morning in an attempt to better regulate my moods and energies. I feel dumpy — but with the a cold and crankiness and foggy head and a sudden bout of very intense stomach aches — losing weight’s not a priority right now.

Still writing down positive and negative thoughts as they come to mind every day. The number of positive thoughts seem to be increasing — at least on paper — but not so much my mood improving.

Feelings of inadequacy. For one, embarrasment about my work not being impressive enough. But what could I be doing that doesn’t embarrass me? It’s a dangerous task, comparing myself to others — but maybe this is a sign I’m coming out of an alcoholic haze, seeing the possibilities. Lately with reading Stumbling on Happiness, I think — Why not become a shrink? Not the kind that does talk therapy, but the kind that does interesting research.

Or what about my literary ambitions? When will I publish my book? I suppose there are good things to be had on the path I’m on now too — and it’d be more useful to look at the trajectories of peole who’re doing similar things.

How all these people do all these things and still have the time and energy to socialize is puzzling to me — though I hope I’ll discover their secret as I put together more sober days.

Half way to 30 days.

Day 15 - distance helps me

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 23:27:51 -0700

Slept 11 hours and got rid of the jetlag. Also developed a cold and broke out pretty badly — which with the toothache, cankersore, seasonal allergies and fuzzy-headedness have me feeling like I’m falling apart.

Overate — an attempt to quell the crankiness, perhaps. There’s this sense that comes over me — a lot like alcohol cravings — that convinces me I deserve to overeat, that I’m cranky from working hard at sobriety — and deserve a reward. Afraid not eating well and not exercising enough are prolonging the withdrawal symptoms….

To put The Recovery Book into practice, I’ve come up with a plan for when cravings hit: Drink 2 large glasses of water — then read a sobriety-related book. Then later, analyze what preceeded the craving, and how well my avoidance method worked.

The book said contact 3 people for support — so I emailed just 1 — Rita, who’s hundreds of miles away in San Francisco. Still, she’ll be supportive — and the distance helps me at this point, when I don’t know if I really never want to drink again. Also, I checked out Sober24, an online sobriety community based on the 12-steps that could be helpful — from a safe distance.

Walking home from the post office, I was tempted to go into Vons — but no real serious cravings. Maybe they’re slowly fading. Still, I’ve put My Name is Bill W., When a Man Loves a Woman, Clean and Sober, and 28 Days onto my Netflix list for sober inspiration.

The week so far’s been a rough one of recovery and adjustment. Starting tomorrow I’ll try to eat well again. And if I’m feeling better by Friday, I’ll hit the gym.Trying to relearn how to comfort myself in nurturing ways, how to relax —

Day 14 - unclear how clear

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 23:55:00 -0700

Today was like a non-day, a drowsy mass of hours sprinkled with sporatic sleep. Anxious about all I need to get done, and anxious wondering if the task list will ever get shorter, if the anxiety will ever stop. In moments, I’m excited about the possibilities, then a new moment comes with its wave of depression.

The Recovery Book says roughly 1 month of fuzzy-headedness per year of drinking. My drinking spree went on for about 4 years — but counting up the smaller stretches of sobriety earlier this year, maybe my head will de-fuzz in a couple months.

But the foggy thinking could be from the Wellbutrin. For certain, Zoloft had that effect on me — couldn’t hold multiple thoughts together in my brain, making any synthesis of ideas difficult — which is part of why I switched drugs. Wellbutrin may also be a memory fogger — I just can’t say for certain because I started taking it when I was already drinking heavily — so it’s unclear how clear my alcohol-free brain will actually get while still on this drug.

Wrote Di to get the name of the shrink she recommended. I hate that the decision about seeing a shrink’s tied up with finances — Makes me resentful. All these fucking things I need to pay for —

So many wants…. Goals for this week: Stay sober, eat healthy, exercise. I’d like to get into some sort of pattern — set small progressive goals to get to where I need to be. Hard to know how hard I should push myself.

So wary of another failure I’m too afraid to even set a weight loss goal right now — The millions of plans made and broken over those same 10 lbs….

Day 13 - cavities recently filled

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

By all measures the trip was a high stress event, from feeling inadequate and wondering why I was invited on the trip to begin with, to having to socialize with one stranger after another, to being on an extremely tight and tiring schedule, to adjusting to the time difference, to having to listen to pitches from reps of companies I wasn’t particularly interested in. Add to that de-alcoholizing — and a lot of things were just plain unpleasant and grueling.

Feel exhausted, angry. So much for the trip being like a vacation.

At this point I’m not sure if I just hate traveling altogether, or if I just need more relaxed trips, shorter trips, trips with friends…. Was this trip at all better because I didn’t drink? I likely saved money on booze, and I may have been less exhausted and miserable than if I’d drank through it all — but since I was exhasted and miserable a lot, so it’s hard to say. And it’s also hard to say how much of the difficulty was due to the process of getting sober itself.

Regardless, more trips are coming up. I’m still very resentful about having to fly to Kris’ wedding. Maybe at this point I just need to find positives to focus on since regardless, I have to go. But what really bothers me about this is that I feel I’m coerced into celebrate others’ happiness.

Back to the reglar programming and more concerted efforts to improve my everyday life at home. Trying to put everything in The Recovery Book into a sort of cohesive individualized program. A daunting task — I think I need to be less tired with a clearer mind to attack this.

A new issue: Toothaches. The cavities recently filled hurt a bit in healing, but now my bottom left molars hurt — and an incisor hurts, like it’s being pushed and shifted by the other teeth. Is it possible that my teeth have been suffering for months or years, the pain unable to cut through my former alcoholic haze?

Day 12 - Ruminating, I realize

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

A good thing about The Recovery Book: The detailed info and explanations about side effects — both physical and psychological issues — to expect while in withdrawl and recovery. So much is dependent on the individual though — so there’s no way to determine how long, for example, these down days will last. A couple weeks? A couple years?

I’d like to think the time periods will be shorter for me. For now, I just need to really focus on treating my body well: exercise, eat well, sleep well — easier to do once I’m back home.

And, of course, concentrate on avoiding cravings. Ideas: Continue reading memoirs of former alcoholics, rent movies about people going sober, plan a specific alternate activity for early evening when cravings hit, keep a list of good things that’ve happened since I quit drinking.

That means I need to let myself feel ok about putting off “fixing” relationship issues — friends, family, dating — for now. I’ll leave parties early if I’m tired or unhappy or tempted to drink. Put my sobriety before people’s feelings.

Ruminating, I realize there’s a lot I’m ashamed of, whether I should be or not. Religious parents, peripatetic childhood, boarding school upbringing. Even the fact that I went to an unimpressive college where I had a shitty time, and that I’ve never been in a healthy long-term relationship. Seeing these things as shameful makes me secretive and distant — and also breeds a sense in myself that I’m not good enough, that there’s something wrong with me.

So maybe I need to feel I’m less damaged before I get into a relationship, Plus, dating’s rife with frustrations and disappointments, which I may have a tough time handling being in a precarious fragile state right now.

Yet I feel a sort of sorrow, like I’m prolonging my own feelings of loneliness. It’s a catch-22. I feel ashamed about my relationship-less-ness, but am afraid to pursue relationships because I’m ashamed.

Day 11 - guilt and constant repentance

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

Still the mixed feelings. For ex —

Pro AA: The comfort of having very specific steps — a program — that you can cling to. A daily routine and sense of progress — and reaffirmations of self worth — that could be valuable.

Anti AA: I feel like it’d be a lifetime commitment, that I’d let people down if I decide to drink socially again.

According to The Recovery Book, there’s apparently a study that says some who drank less than 48.5 drinks / week can return to moderate drinking. So my exile into sobriety may not have to be forever.

The Recovery Book’s very AA influenced — and there’s an odd puritannical bent to AA, and to this book, that’s offputting. On some level, suggestions make sense, i.e. working hard — a.k.a. working the steps — to build life skills especially when you’re feeling good. Another suggestion: Write down / illustrate my most miserable moments caused by drinking in the past — to use as a reminder, and I guess a negative reinforcement, in the future when I’m tempted to drink.

On the other hand, the book almost seems anti feeling good, with frequent warnings about how feeling good could actually be a bad sign that you’re close to relapse. There’s a real “Happy? Don’t be — because bad things could be right around the corner and happy people will be the first to fall victim” feel to the whole thing. Yes, I get that the book’s trying to warn serious alcoholics away from thinking they can drink again after they feel a bit better, but there’s a sort of Christian ethic of guilt and constant repentance that colors the mood of the entire book.

Also, this book really does seem to be geared towards the serious drunks who lost jobs / family / health, even as the book pushes a broad definition of alcoholism to include pretty much everyone who gets drunk once in a while. Because my alcoholism just wasn’t that severe, I’m not sure how seriously to take the advice. Why not get into a relationship, for ex? Doesn’t forcing singleness just exacerbate the sense of loneliness — and install a sense of futility about that loneliness? And do I really need AA every day just because I stopped drinking? The book basically pushes the most extreme remedies for everyone — framing it as a precautionary measure and making it seem like I’m doomed to failure if I don’t follow the remedies to a T.

AA has defined its system so it “can’t” fail — meaning that if an AA-faithful person goes back to drink, it means not that perhaps AA didn’t meet that person’s needs, but that the person wasn’t following AA’s protocols well enough. As in if the relapsed drunk was going to meetings every day, then maybe he didn’t listen hard enough, or take the daily inventory seriously enough, or let himself feel too happy, etc.

Of course, I can modify the advice. Perhaps my “daily inventory” can be working on actively improving my mood. Really taking daily stock of where I am, where I’m going.

And I can take just the advice worth taking. Like trying to plan more stuff with no associations to drinking, and making new sober friends. Once I’m back home, that is —