I feel I try pretty hard to feel good — yet I don’t feel very happy. Today’s mood’s been a slow blue discontent. I’ve gotten done the things I need to get done — except I haven’t caught up on the stuff I put off earlier. Why am I upset? Do I just need more human contact? How do I get this feeling no one’s worth hanging out with?

I think maybe I blame myself too much for imperfect interactions in the past. For example, because I felt I was irritable when hanging out with Rin, I fear I’m an irritable person (and consequently, shouldn’t hang out with Rin so I don’t expose her to my irritability again). I feel too judgemental and I feel too judged.

Maybe I just need to cut myself some slack. No one’s perfect in social situations, and everyone puts their foot in their mouth at some point.

And maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for pulling away from friends who talk about nothing but babies and boyfriends and weddings. They’re at least as self-absorbed as I am — and maybe I have a perfectly good reason to not want to hang out with them.

Yet the anger’s disturbing. There’s a part of me that thinks at least aspects of the anger are legitimate. Another part wonders if they’re symptomatic of bigger issues — i.e. repressed feelings from childhood. Another part’s fearful this anger “isn’t me” — and somewhat afraid it could spiral out of control.

In part I’d just like to feel I’m moving from one step to the next — towards something. For example, moving from just concentrating on staying sober to focusing on improving relationships, etc. This is day 29, after all. How long will I need to read books / watch films that motivate my sobriety? How long will I feel like I’m simply trying to manage feelings?

Maybe part of the problem is simply that I’m not doing things consistently enough.  I’m not doing all the little things that I instituted as small ways to gradually improve my mood — i.e. taking a walk at lunch, or exercising 4 times a week, or examining and working through the negative thoughts I write down every day. I think I need to pursue a happiness plan — consistently for 2 weeks  — then re-examine my mood —