Went to an art opening that was a total bust, a boring waste of time that brought up these feelings about how my social life sucks. It’s not that I miss the events with alcohol, but quite the opposite: I feel all the past events I enjoyed were based around alcohol — that in fact alcohol was like the occasion — which seems pathetic.

Then there’s the thought that maybe I can only stand my friends when I’m drunk — that perhaps my friends aren’t worth hanging out with. That in fact, I never had a real social life worth mentioning even if I went out a lot.

There are moments in the day when I think about drinking — I guess I’m afraid of becoming this uptight person who can’t have fun. But hopefully I won’t end up being so uptight…. Maybe part of the answer is participating in groups. Community groups — or even working out in a group class instead of alone. Going to yoga class instead of hitting the treadmill.

It seems like the main problem right now is that I often feel tired — like I don’t want to do anything except passive stuff. Part of this may just be force of habit, since I let myself procrastinate so much, doing only the bare minimum while I was drinking. I’m trying to get into these healthier patterns and they just don’t seem to be paying off — at leat not yet.

Researched Wellbutrin and memory loss. Enough people who say they’re doing better (depression’s lifted) on Wellbutrin report memory loss — especially short term — as a side effect that I’m getting pretty convinced my memory issues have to do with Wellbutrin, not alcohol-related stuff. I really think this is bothering me enough that I should do something about it — Go in to see the shrink, change meds around a bit —

Creative Recovery talks about identifying the stumbling blocks — anxiety, stress, unhappiness-producing stuff — that tends to come up with a creative project — and having a way of dealing with them. I wrote down the stressors: Lots of different fears, frustrations, technical difficulties. I’m thinking I just need to start with something that allows for an outlet but isn’t something I’m thinking of selling or marketing or am heavily invested in as something that’ll define me as a writer. Make it an easy, doable project with a daily component. Like this Tumblog.