June 19, 2009
I woke up angry. Angry I had to get up, angry about the cold cloudy weather — again. Angry I had to move my car for street cleaning and that I had to get dressed to do so. Angry I spilled cereal and angry my kitchen shelves are so crowded. Angry my period’s late as usual.
And I still keep imagining these angry situations where I verbally fight with people, where people antagonize me and I antagonize them worse. Why is that? Do I feel people are against me — that no one’s to be trusted — that most people are out to get me and I have to protect myself, hurt them before the hurt me? Intellectually, I don’t think these things, but instinctively, am I always ready to defend, attack?
Getting close to 30 days. It’s odd — Instead of feeling like I can now do more, I feel I need to cut back. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing — Maybe I’m simply discovering the unrealistic expectations that drove me to drink in the first place — but I remain worried.
Right now, tasks get pushed to the weekend because I get tired and overwhelmed. That leads to anxiety during the week about falling behind, then fatigue on the weekends because I don’t get a needed break.
So I’ll spend some time today seeing what can be whittled out of the schedule. It’s weird, because when I look at it, the schedule seems relatively short and easy. Yet each day feels slightly unmanageable…. I get anxious to the point I can’t continue, then spend most of the evening watching In Treatment — and feel guilty about wasting the day.
When I think about writing again, I get this fearful, negative feeling, like I’ve just been reprimanded. Obviously there have been some rejections in the past. Some deliberately mean people too — and maybe I’m too self-critical. But I also always had some supporters who liked my work — random people here and there. Maybe it’ll feel good to create — Maybe I just want to try and relearn the joy of creating —
I’m basically afraid to begin the creative endeavor. I guess I have these “how dare I” feelings a lot. Imposter syndrome, maybe. What makes anyone a writer, or any sort of expert?