Went hungry to the grocery store — and ate a Lara bar while shopping, a Zen Bakery cinnamon roll-esque thing coming home, then 2 bowls of ceral and a mango once I got back. Not so bad as far as binges go, especially since I hadn’t had much to eat most of the day — but the sort of urge I was feeling, as if I had to gobble everything down in this brief period while the more controlling self was on break — that was scary.

So — I guess the solution’s not to let myself get so hungry, and to keep more healthy snacks around. Not too long ago I would’ve invented some sort of involved, punitive diet plan for myself, but I’m trying to be more moderate, to freak out less. I’ll try this method of non-deprivation for a week, see how it goes.

Because the issue isn’t actually the food. Another part of the binge: It let me sort of checked out of the things I’d planned to do. I watched House and Lost while eating, zoned out. Part of me feels guilty for pushing work back; another part wonders if I’m pushing myself too hard.

I’m still at the point where I don’t get how people do all these things — solid 40 hour weeks and the like. I feel so busy, just spinning my wheels trying to catch up on the day to day stuff, instead of being able to work on real, more broad overarching stuff that could, in the end, mitigate this daily scrambling —

The anxiety leads to checking out by binging — and I don’t want to put so much pressure on myself I fall into another depression. I still need to work on making myself feel good. Scheduling things tighter is just not an option.

Still, I need to make more money. Rewards are slow to come, and my social life feels a bit like it’s in shambles.There’s the feeling the things I’m doing aren’t actually adding up to anything, which bothers me. That there’s no real grand goal I have to look forward to.

I have a lot of unanswered questions. Am I really a writer? Do I want to pursue that? and if so, how? I have fear of trying, a fear I won’t enjoy it, fear I won’t have time for it. It’s unclear what exactly I can push off the schedule and what I can make room for.

It’s been a difficult day. Cranky mood — and a little weepy all day.