Started reading Creative Recovery. Some of it seems like simple pandering — telling people who’d like to think they’re creative souls what they want to hear: “You’re a troubled, deep artist individual struggling against the homogenious, deadnening world.”

But the part about how creative people often see the rest of the world as idiotically complacent and devoid of aspirations — then start to identify  strongly against the dominant culture — reads like my reactions.

Though I still retain mixed feelings — and want to win at the straight world’s game too. And I’m plagued by the thought that it’s all just sour grapes — or maybe worse — that others will perceive it as sour grapes. That they’ll think it’s not so much that I’ve rejected the goals of the straight world as failed to achieve them.

A lot of this revolves around being single. Beyond proving the rest of the world wrong, I’d like some companionship in being against mainstream culture. Maybe that’s all I’m looking for — some counterculture group. Creative people who don’t want the marriage-kids-house-in-suburbs thing.

I see only complacency in my married friends. Maybe my anger towards them is not so much a sign of psychological unhealth on my part but a healthy realization that they represent the aspects of mainstream culture I despise.

Maybe I wouldn’t put such a heavy premium on a serious relationship if I could meet others for whom “settling down” is something to be abhored. The gallery series could be an opportunity to find like-minded people. One guy actually said our transportation problem is an overpopulation problem — that people need to stop having kids. There I see a glimpse of some forward-thinking network.

The problem may be an identity crisis — and a corresponding sense of failure. I rail against conventional society whose goals — spouse, house, corporate job — I mock. But I also haven’t yet had any successes in teh non-straight sense. No grand artistic achievements, no fantastically artsy lifestyle, no freethinking lover or creative group.

That in turn makes me feel like a fraud — and makes me think people just see me as someone who failed at conventional goals — and now rails against them.

I suppose one path is just to work on those unconventional goals — write that novel or whatever, seek out new interesting friends. It feels like it’ll be a long time before I’ve achieved those things — but perhaps making the effort a daily practice in itself will make me feel better.