Does sobriety make me feel better? If so, how exactly’s uncertain — perhaps a new sense of progress, albeit a shaky one. The days have gotten more manageable, and I’m slowly finding tools to deal with challenges I used to avoid by drinking. Some things that seemed near impossible — like setting and staying on a schedule — seem to be getting somewhat easier.

But my mood still doesn’t seem significantly better — and I’m wondering if I need a lot more positive thoughts to balance out negative thoughts. I’m still writing them down…. Do I passively experience but not mark down a lot of negative thoughts I have? Or am I simply in a state of transition, where turbulent and precarious feelings dominte over exciting and happy ones?

Staying sober at events has been unexpectedly easy — the logistics, I mean. There was the fear everyone would notice and ask about it, but that hasn’t happened. In fact, the only uncomfortable time was lunch with the married girls. They drink a lot, talk about drinking a lot, notice and ask about my drinking habits. But why are my closer, long-term friends the ones creating the most friction in my life? It’s as if those relationships have gotten as troubled as the one with my mother.

I could come up with a lot of theories — withdrawal due to fear of abandonment, for ex. The friendships feel ubalanced in the sense I feel I have more to lose than they do, since they have husbands — and families they like.

Whatever the reason, they’re a source of stress, feelings of inadequacy and loneliness — and I’m not sure how to fix it.