June 09, 2009

Day 16 - doing that doesn’t

IMG_6170 by you.

The last 2 nights I had drinking dreams, woke up feeling guilty. But I haven’t blown it. Today I have fantasies about going out for dinner with wine, but then I think — Where’s the satisfaction in that? I’d just be guzzling down the first glass and twitching to order the second.

In some ways, the financial crunch is a good thing, a second-level deterrent to drinking. Worried about the dental bill — got my teeth fixed earlier today.

The Recovery Book suggested rearranging the house for the new sober me — so I’ve started a deep clean of the house reflecting the deep clean of my body post alcohol. But so much work needs to be done on the apartment it’s ridiculous.

Started measuring out exactly an 1/8 cup of coffee beans every morning in an attempt to better regulate my moods and energies. I feel dumpy — but with the a cold and crankiness and foggy head and a sudden bout of very intense stomach aches — losing weight’s not a priority right now.

Still writing down positive and negative thoughts as they come to mind every day. The number of positive thoughts seem to be increasing — at least on paper — but not so much my mood improving.

Feelings of inadequacy. For one, embarrasment about my work not being impressive enough. But what could I be doing that doesn’t embarrass me? It’s a dangerous task, comparing myself to others — but maybe this is a sign I’m coming out of an alcoholic haze, seeing the possibilities. Lately with reading Stumbling on Happiness, I think — Why not become a shrink? Not the kind that does talk therapy, but the kind that does interesting research.

Or what about my literary ambitions? When will I publish my book? I suppose there are good things to be had on the path I’m on now too — and it’d be more useful to look at the trajectories of peole who’re doing similar things.

How all these people do all these things and still have the time and energy to socialize is puzzling to me — though I hope I’ll discover their secret as I put together more sober days.

Half way to 30 days.

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what the first 30 days feel like if you're 30, female, and me. Find me in Los Angeles or writezero30@live.com --

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