Today was like a non-day, a drowsy mass of hours sprinkled with sporatic sleep. Anxious about all I need to get done, and anxious wondering if the task list will ever get shorter, if the anxiety will ever stop. In moments, I’m excited about the possibilities, then a new moment comes with its wave of depression.

The Recovery Book says roughly 1 month of fuzzy-headedness per year of drinking. My drinking spree went on for about 4 years — but counting up the smaller stretches of sobriety earlier this year, maybe my head will de-fuzz in a couple months.

But the foggy thinking could be from the Wellbutrin. For certain, Zoloft had that effect on me — couldn’t hold multiple thoughts together in my brain, making any synthesis of ideas difficult — which is part of why I switched drugs. Wellbutrin may also be a memory fogger — I just can’t say for certain because I started taking it when I was already drinking heavily — so it’s unclear how clear my alcohol-free brain will actually get while still on this drug.

Wrote Di to get the name of the shrink she recommended. I hate that the decision about seeing a shrink’s tied up with finances — Makes me resentful. All these fucking things I need to pay for —

So many wants…. Goals for this week: Stay sober, eat healthy, exercise. I’d like to get into some sort of pattern — set small progressive goals to get to where I need to be. Hard to know how hard I should push myself.

So wary of another failure I’m too afraid to even set a weight loss goal right now — The millions of plans made and broken over those same 10 lbs….