Whether the problem is alcohol or something else, I really think I need help to try and move forward. Right now I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of this trip — For ex., frightened by the work I need to do to prepare.

So for one, I need to pare things down to a non-daunting level. Maybe leave for next Monday everything I can put off.

And two, consider how to get through this week travel with some grace.

And three, prep some sort of support system for when I get back so I don’t feel so alone. At the very least, see a shrink. I now certainly have a good list of specific issues I’ve written down that I want to sort out. And I can get a shrink recommendation from Di, who also has Kaiser.

Maybe during the flight I can think more about how I’ll handle the trip. And read a book about alcoholism to distract me.

Afraid I’ll get depressed. Afraid life will become extremely difficult without alcohol.

Think I fear that even after sobriety, I won’t actually achieve anything. In a way for a long time now I’ve been able to blame everything on the alcohol, from my weight to unproductivity to not having a boyfriend. I’m having to let go of my favorite, catchall excuse, and now I have no excuse for not reaching my goals.

The expense sucks, but a shrink’s the least threatening. I don’t have to self-identify as an alcoholic, for ex. And I’ll get more professional input.

Maybe there’s a way to treat this trip like a vacation, where all I have to do is stay sober and enjoy myself. A real break from what’s going on here, even if the trip schedule’s too tight to actually focus on personal growth.

On the one hand, it seems the busy schedule could keep me from temptation — The worry is that wine’ll be served with dinners.