I’m not hung over but I’m tired — A sense of exhaustion in the moments before forcing myself up.

Slept so badly — tossing and turning and just laying there. Mind racing — Thinking up and giving lectures on strange topics, imagining arguing with people, remembering sad thoughts and crying about my father, his pitiful life and the ways it clouded mine.

Stressed that my sheer exhaustion will turn this into a bad day. I suppose that’s the reason the first few days of sobriety suck so bad — The physical discomforts of withdrawal. Also — allergies. And I need a shower. And I’m bloated from overeating yesterday. I’d like to think I’m going through them for the last time — that tonight will be better than last night.

There are things I got done yesterday that I’d put off for a long time — getting baby shower gifts, making travel plans for a friend’s wedding. And I’m angry — Why should I spend so much effort and money to celebrate their happiness? They seem so — self-entitled to my obliging them, my making them feel special, that I keep asking what they’ve done for me — which then makes me feel selfish, guilty. I’m too close to evaluate whether the problem’s them or me. For now I need a plan to drop off the presents and get out of there quickly.

Why am I withdrawing from my friends?

I have an increasing number of angry fantasies — verbal wars in my head with both real and imagined people. It’s very odd. Why is it that I imagine yelling at people so often? Do I find this pleasurable?

I keep wavering — should I start seeing a shrink again or not? Maybe a running list of all the things I’d potentially get shrunk about would help — so if I do go, I have a concrete sense of what I’m working on — so it doesn’t seem like I’m aimlessly in therapy forever.

Afraid to have an agenda and afraid not to. Right now, I’m very tempted to drink — though the memories of fear and loathing and difficulty sleeping are holding me back. I see no point in having just 1 drink, and I guess that’s the problem. I feel uncomfortable, so I want to drink to take away the discomfort. But the trouble remains.