June 2009
24 posts
8 tags
Day 30 - bit afraid this impetus
Feeling a tad better today. Maybe it was the little things that helped, despite the usual bit of difficulty falling asleep, getting up. I’m starting to get pretty convinced I should get off Wellbutrin. Really, the main thing keeping me on the stuff is fear I’ll fall into another major depressive episode — but I’m not sure I will. And there’s no guarantee I...
8 tags
Day 29 - towards something
I feel I try pretty hard to feel good — yet I don’t feel very happy. Today’s mood’s been a slow blue discontent. I’ve gotten done the things I need to get done — except I haven’t caught up on the stuff I put off earlier. Why am I upset? Do I just need more human contact? How do I get this feeling no one’s worth hanging out with?
I think maybe I...
5 tags
Day 28 - lonely while avoiding friends
The weekend’s going by in a bit of a stupor — reading, watching Celebrity Rehab. I’m concerned this isn’t normal — holing up and avoiding both friends and responsibilities. Of course it’s normal to take time for myself though — so where do I draw the line?
The main issue’s that I seem to really want to check out — i.e. not only not doing...
7 tags
Day 27 - down the stressors
Went to an art opening that was a total bust, a boring waste of time that brought up these feelings about how my social life sucks. It’s not that I miss the events with alcohol, but quite the opposite: I feel all the past events I enjoyed were based around alcohol — that in fact alcohol was like the occasion — which seems pathetic.
Then there’s the thought that maybe I...
8 tags
Day 26 - what can be whittled out
I woke up angry. Angry I had to get up, angry about the cold cloudy weather — again. Angry I had to move my car for street cleaning and that I had to get dressed to do so. Angry I spilled cereal and angry my kitchen shelves are so crowded. Angry my period’s late as usual.
And I still keep imagining these angry situations where I verbally fight with people, where people antagonize me...
8 tags
Day 25 - adding up to anything
Went hungry to the grocery store — and ate a Lara bar while shopping, a Zen Bakery cinnamon roll-esque thing coming home, then 2 bowls of ceral and a mango once I got back. Not so bad as far as binges go, especially since I hadn’t had much to eat most of the day — but the sort of urge I was feeling, as if I had to gobble everything down in this brief period while the more...
6 tags
Day 24 - a corresponding sense of failure
Started reading Creative Recovery. Some of it seems like simple pandering — telling people who’d like to think they’re creative souls what they want to hear: “You’re a troubled, deep artist individual struggling against the homogenious, deadnening world.”
But the part about how creative people often see the rest of the world as idiotically complacent and...
7 tags
Day 23 - passively experience but not mark
Does sobriety make me feel better? If so, how exactly’s uncertain — perhaps a new sense of progress, albeit a shaky one. The days have gotten more manageable, and I’m slowly finding tools to deal with challenges I used to avoid by drinking. Some things that seemed near impossible — like setting and staying on a schedule — seem to be getting somewhat easier.
But my...
6 tags
Day 22 - spend a lot of time staring
My schedule’s fallen apart since Ana’s clothing swap earlier tonight — where I ate way too much — but let me dwell on the positives a bit: I made some good friends / acquaintances. I got free dinner — and leftovers for lunch tomorrow! I found some free clothes that fit! I got rid of some things plaguing my closet. And I hope my social life’ll open up a little...
5 tags
Day 21 - the event-going task
Got through the event — and I just realized that all in all, including getting ready and fighting traffic, that was a 5-hour endeavor! Social engagements take a lot of effort — and I have 2 tomorrow, which stresses me out —
But back to the event. There was a temptation to drink — especially when I got a whiff of red wine. But I’m starting to notice other problem...
7 tags
Day 20 - rather regimented right
Tomorrow’s that gallery event — and I’m prepping now. The choices:
Option 1: Go late, leave early, avoid food and drinks. Take my own water in a Sigg, don’t go near the drinks, and don’t go to Cole’s afterwards for the usual post-event drink-snack. This could potentially save a lot of stress — but would limit my social opportunities since there’d...
6 tags
Day 19 - a setting perfectly set up
Did my finances today — Why must medical costs always balloon out of control? If I were able to reduce medical and travel spending, I’d be all good — yet I have to see the shrink — and I have to go to Kris’ wedding. The ticket’s been bought but I’m still very angry — The big sum of money wasted to go to the middle of nowhere in the Midwest to...
6 tags
Day 18 - binge-esque cravings
Ate well today, which makes me hopeful my body’s adjusting to a new sort of era, doing its own weight adjustment. I’d like to say the binge-esque cravings have ended, but I did spend quite a bit of time staring at different snacks at Walgreens. The desire to overeat — whether or not it’s strong enough that I follow it — is there, just like the desire to drink is.
In...
5 tags
Day 17 - a more sociological attitude
Came up with a strategy for dealing with drinking triggers:
If at home, drink 2 glasses of water, then read sobriety-related book.
If out with people, remind myself to use the time to socialize. Or try taking a more sociological attitude — Study the drinkers, their behaviors and attitudes, their similarities and differences to me. If I feel tempted or uncomfortable, go home.
The downside...
7 tags
Day 16 - doing that doesn't
The last 2 nights I had drinking dreams, woke up feeling guilty. But I haven’t blown it. Today I have fantasies about going out for dinner with wine, but then I think — Where’s the satisfaction in that? I’d just be guzzling down the first glass and twitching to order the second.
In some ways, the financial crunch is a good thing, a second-level deterrent to drinking....
6 tags
Day 15 - distance helps me
Slept 11 hours and got rid of the jetlag. Also developed a cold and broke out pretty badly — which with the toothache, cankersore, seasonal allergies and fuzzy-headedness have me feeling like I’m falling apart.
Overate — an attempt to quell the crankiness, perhaps. There’s this sense that comes over me — a lot like alcohol cravings — that convinces me I...
7 tags
Day 14 - unclear how clear
Today was like a non-day, a drowsy mass of hours sprinkled with sporatic sleep. Anxious about all I need to get done, and anxious wondering if the task list will ever get shorter, if the anxiety will ever stop. In moments, I’m excited about the possibilities, then a new moment comes with its wave of depression.
The Recovery Book says roughly 1 month of fuzzy-headedness per year of...
7 tags
Day 13 - cavities recently filled
By all measures the trip was a high stress event, from feeling inadequate and wondering why I was invited on the trip to begin with, to having to socialize with one stranger after another, to being on an extremely tight and tiring schedule, to adjusting to the time difference, to having to listen to pitches from reps of companies I wasn’t particularly interested in. Add to that...
5 tags
Day 12 - Ruminating, I realize
A good thing about The Recovery Book: The detailed info and explanations about side effects — both physical and psychological issues — to expect while in withdrawl and recovery. So much is dependent on the individual though — so there’s no way to determine how long, for example, these down days will last. A couple weeks? A couple years?
I’d like to think the time...
6 tags
Day 11 - guilt and constant repentance
Still the mixed feelings. For ex —
Pro AA: The comfort of having very specific steps — a program — that you can cling to. A daily routine and sense of progress — and reaffirmations of self worth — that could be valuable.
Anti AA: I feel like it’d be a lifetime commitment, that I’d let people down if I decide to drink socially again.
According to The...
Day 10 - enabling my unproductivity
At the airport, looking at when would be a good time to get in line to check in. I got here hideously early as usual — Damn all those nightmares I have about missing the plane —
Aside from the fear I’ve left something crucial behind, I’m in pretty good spirits — feel fairly well prepared and quite ready for a vacation — though it’s not really a vacation....
9 tags
Day 9 - how classy the restaurant
Kris’ birthday party had no non-alcoholic drinks, period, except water. A crowd of 15 or so: A few mutual friends, a few from Kris’ restaurant — including a couple dishwashers who’re working hard on their English — and a few of her fiance’s friends.
Are all our social circles so meager? I felt and feel an intense anger towards Kris — tense about having...
7 tags
Day 8 - pare things down to a non-daunting level
Whether the problem is alcohol or something else, I really think I need help to try and move forward. Right now I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of this trip — For ex., frightened by the work I need to do to prepare.
So for one, I need to pare things down to a non-daunting level. Maybe leave for next Monday everything I can put off.
And two, consider how to get through this week travel...
6 tags
Day 7 - this intense unbalanced anxious feeling
Back from Jeci’s party — and since she doesn’t drink, that made the night easier though most everyone else drank. I did overeat — There was this intense unbalanced anxious feeling I was trying to fill. I think the fact I haven’t made a firm decision as to what to do — how long to stay sober, if not forever — That’s actually adding to the...
May 2009
6 posts
5 tags
Day 6 - designated evening hour
Started keeping a list of worries / stresses that come up during the day — per the advice in Control Your Depression — and dealing with them in a designated evening hour. The idea’s to actually have a specific time to address issues head on — while also refusing to ruminate and stress all other times. So far, I’m just irritated a lot — slowness of computer,...
7 tags
Day 5 - hostile scenarios with friends
Read about David Foster Wallace. Apparently a very depressed man throughout his life — with no real reason beyond the biology of his brain. The writing may’ve helped, but the high standards he put on himself couldnt’ve.
He worked some shit jobs. He also put a lot of work into his writing — writing for days on end. He also quit drinking around 27. He’d also...
5 tags
Day 4 - a clash in ideology
Veer between thinking I really need to get myself to an AA meeting, and thinking I just need to focus on living, doing things I wasn’t able to when drinking.
The main reason to go would be to meet people — friendships so I don’t feel alone in this. But why do I feel alone to begin with, and what are the problems with my own friends? Why don’t I hang out with them?
Many...
7 tags
Day 3 - angry fantasies
I’m not hung over but I’m tired — A sense of exhaustion in the moments before forcing myself up.
Slept so badly — tossing and turning and just laying there. Mind racing — Thinking up and giving lectures on strange topics, imagining arguing with people, remembering sad thoughts and crying about my father, his pitiful life and the ways it clouded mine.
Stressed that...
6 tags
Day 2 - a huge rotisserie chicken
Uneventful, more or less, both in the mind and out. Barely left the house — just a little walk to the mailbox at lunch — which makes me fearful I’ll create my own depression, not seeing anyone, not moving. Didn’t eat well either — OK until the late afternoon, then got a huge rotisserie chicken. Ate most of it and a couple Luna bars.
Still, I suppose that’s a...
6 tags
Day 1 - swimming pools of amorphous design
Today: Tired, generally morose — though in a numb-from-a-hangover sort of way. Yesterday: 4 glasses of wine, 1/2 a beer, then a strong screwdriver — in a pint glass at Swingers — then nightmares all night.
Got paranoid about moving my car in time for street cleaning — starting at 5 am, when I woke of thirst — and started having nightmares: Getting out there just...
